When I realized that my divorce was final and that it was reality, it was something that was hard to understand. How my love wasn't enough.
This was a stage that I had to walk through and it caused me to RUN! I was filled with hurt, rejection, questions and anger. I knew I wasn't perfect but how could I not be worth fighting for? And where was GOD?! Didn't He want my marriage to last? Couldn't He have done something more? I mean for goodness sakes, He parted the RED SEA! I ran! I wasn't loved for who I was I felt like I had done the best I could in making right choices and living with conviction. I loved and looked past faults and past wrongs. Look where it got me. That's when I decided to change who I was. I was always the "sweet" girl. So, I wanted to be tough and have the "who gives a crap"attitude. Look out for myself. God should understand. After all the pain I went through and that I never wanted to be hurt again!
During my few months of running...He never left me. I could hear His voice, although faint, I could here Him! Always pursuing me. I found out pretty quick that although I was satisfied and felt loved it was all for fleeting moments. I still ended up feeling alone or hurt. I made excuses for my behavior. Yes! Thats what it was. It was all about how I was feeling and what I went through. I used those moments to feel the void and emptiness inside. The funny thing about love is that when you love someone unconditionally you do not want to hurt them. I was in love with Christ and I could feel the pain of my actions. His whispers were always pursuing me! I am grateful for that. I realized that Christ was always with me! He was fighting for my marriage! God sending lighting down does not guarantee a man/woman will change their heart? Maybe....maybe not! And if it did would it be real change? I am a believer now that until we are fed up and take a stand then there will always be an excuse to be found. It is the moment of saying enough! Our choice to choose is so powerful and when two come together in unity....WATCH OUT! I choose today to love others no matter my circumstance, I choose to show my kids to find happiness in the hard times, I choose....!
I am also blessed with friends who always believe the best and although I had my moments, they were quick to pull me up and to remind me to not make excuses. They have helped me not to loose hope, they have helped me stay focused! I adore their friendship!!
I want to encourage you that no matter how far you think you have screwed up...Never think you are too far under! Never give up! Never think that change will never happen! There is always hope when you put your trust in something greater than this world or yourself! Put your trust in Christ and surround yourself with people who truly love you!
Love you all and until next time...